Isolation & The ACoA — Why Adult Children Tend to Isolate or Disconnect

Often times an ACoA discovers that they are an ACoA by reading the Laundry List. Sometimes ACoAs identify with just a few traits or all 14. Either way, please don’t let that scare or shame you! I happen to love the traits. The reason being is that they are all identified with creative survival strategies that the person learned in childhood in order to survive, get through, and maintain their own sense of individuality and ego. I actually think they are quite wonderful; the only trouble is, the way they manifest in our adult lives could be holding us back from fully thriving and living our best lives. When our adult selves tend to our inner kid parts with love, care, respect and presence, the survival traits take on another meaning and the person doesn’t have to end up working so hard to stay safe and comfortable. They are now updating to present safety, self-care, self-compassion and healthy protection or boundaries.

I am going to analyze the first trait a bit here from a therapist’s perspective. That being said, these are only my opinions and come from qualitative experiences in my own understanding. I will only analyze from a fear and isolation standpoint and not go into detail around authority figures.

Trait 1: We Became Isolated and Afraid of People and Authority Figures

I have a lot of compassion and understanding for the ACoA experience— often times ACoAs continue to live out their fear and discomfort in relationship. When the going gets rough, the ACoA may even double-down in isolating from others, especially from help, resources and compassionate care. I can guess why this may be the case: ACoAs often experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect. Whenever there was a feeling, a fear, a difficulty, a stressor, they often were either lambasted for it, had their caregiver go into their own panic and anxiety over their feelings or they were abandoned and left in the feelings altogether. This can be terrifying for a child as they are dealing with their struggles and emotions on their own. Some were abandoned completely and had to take care of themselves and younger siblings at any early age.

As adults, we all face calm times and challenging times. When we go through something hard, we need other people to help us; sometimes to hold us, sometimes to literally physically help us (like hiring movers or getting a friend to do some heavy-lifting!) or at least to sit by our side emotionally. Sometimes we need others to celebrate with us in the happy times, such as with big milestones and achievements. However, a relational pattern that I often see in ACoAs is that they actually retreat and isolate during these times. They tend to push help away, under-resource themselves and skip over their own celebrations. They repeat this pattern of emotional neglect for their inner kid parts. They are so used to being on their own— sometimes they are incredibly financially and successful in their work, for example, but they feel as though they have to do everything hard on their own and can’t rely on others for support or to even help them on the job!

This relational pattern of retreating and isolating is understandable. There are certain beliefs and thoughts that ACoAs or those with CPTSD develop in early childhood:

My needs don’t matter

I will only burden others if I ask for help

I can do this on my own

How do I know if I can trust this person to truly help me or be safe with me?

I don’t want to appear weak to this person. I’m so ashamed.

So how do we start to work with these pattern and beliefs?

The first step is to identify that the pattern and beliefs even exist. In therapy, you can start to become aware of patterns and beliefs that have been developed and continue to impact you. You can learn to resource yourself gently and slowly over time and open up a bit more to care and help, while also identifying safe and supportive people. Even beginning to go to therapy or ACA meetings (or both) is a big step in the right direction in coming out of isolation. In the context of therapy, you can receive support, validation, understanding, and a little challenge to your thinking and beliefs. You can share your feelings openly and freely without fear of being judged or analyzed for the way you feel. You can begin to understand how to resource yourself by offering your kid parts connection, listening and care from others. For example, many people feel held emotionally at ACA meetings because they have no fear of being judged and can express themselves freely without any concern for people giving them advice or feedback. They get to understand themselves in a non-judgmental way while also receiving care in relationship— which is actually just being seen and heard in relationship repetitively and consistently.

If you have a desire to start coming out of isolation, to explore parts of yourself and find resources in a way that can lead to feel healthier, whole and more connected, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Even if you don’t match with me as a care provider, I’m happy to chat with you to send you on the right path.