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Codependent relational patterning comes out of being raised in dysfunctional and abusive family systems. In essence, codependency is learned in the family system as a way of relating to others.

Pia Mellody defines codependent symptoms like the following:

• Difficulty with having appropriate levels of self-esteem– either too low or too high and may also be defined by other-esteem (in comparison to others’ value and worth)

• Difficulty with internal and external boundary systems and definitions

• Difficulty knowing one’s own personal reality and what might be personally true or factual

• Difficulty understanding one’s own personal wants and needs

• Difficulty with moderation and often living in the extremes in realms of thinking, feeling and acting

This is a more expanded definition of these codependency symptoms by Pia Mellody.

Not always– It really depends on the Adult Child. Albeit, the pattern of codependency may show up in an Adult Child’s life because they have learned that this is how to be in a relationship. Either they take on the characteristics of the alcoholic and become one or take on the characteristics of the codependent in the relationship, or both. Adult Children learned in childhood that they had to be a certain way, or people please, in order to get any of their needs met– which may have even failed continuously but supported some kind of attachment to the parent.

Sometimes this pattern gets recreated in romantic relationships– pairing with emotionally or physically unavailable partners where the ACoA takes care of their partner’s needs while neglecting their own. Or pair with someone who can soothe internal feelings for them temporarily, serve as a parental figure or become enmeshed and boundaryless.

For some, it serves as a method of control coming from an out-of-control childhood; if the focus is on others and seemingly controlling how they are or how they act, then the focus doesn’t have to be on ourselves, our flaws, and internal experience (which can feel painful and messy at times.)

Adult Children learned to take on any role they thought will attract their parents’ support. This strategy formed their attachment: an insecure or ambivalent one at best (Read more about Attachment Styles here.) Even if a parent had achieved sobriety and was in active recovery in one’s childhood, there may still have been traits and emotional insobriety that got passed along– a recovered parent isn’t necessarily an emotionally sober one.

In adulthood, when codependency is in the picture, Adult Children continue people-pleasing patterns, deferring to their partners or authority, agreeing, not standing up for themselves, losing track of their own opinions and needs, and returning to unreliable/inconsistent people for support when that person is incapable of providing it.

Generally, the first tool offered is to turn the focus on one’s self. Whenever there is an impulse to focus on the other and “fix” for them, the note is to return the focus back on the self. In this way, one starts to learn how to take care of themselves emotionally and physically— this is often described as cleaning up your own side of the street. It may begin with sitting with one’s feelings and deciphering what they’re communicating.

This can lead to soothing one’s own emotional states internally and being able to contain, care for, accept and be gentle with one’s own experiences. This may lead to greater attention to one’s own personal health, space, relationships, and overall enjoyment in life and activity.

Moreover, attending to feelings and personal health in this way can lead to taking care of other aspects of life such as boundary-setting, finding stabilizing and regulating supports, exploring financial stability, and finding safe people to share experiences with. Learning to have healthier boundaries both internally and externally can be incredibly healing. This may include learning the difference between walls and boundaries, separating internally from the family system, and/or learning how to have more defined boundaries and communicate them clearly, precisely, and consistently.

Many ACoAs find it similarly helpful to attend Alanon meetings or to read up on codependency — such as with Pia Mellody’s work, Facing Codependence and the Intimacy Factor, or Melody Beattie’s work, Codependency No More.

Read more from Heather on Adult Child Coping Strategy: How to Say No & Mean It. Heather works extensively with those in recovery in Alanon and CODA or those just wanting to explore issues of codependency independently.